This has been building up in my psyche for the past couple months.

Forgive me if it is incoherent or just a wall-of-text.

I don’t want this isolation, see the state I’m in now. ~ Gorillaz “Humility”

I’m lonely. Deep in my soul, long dark tea-time, kinda lonely. It’s becoming increasingly overwhelming and unbearable. For most of my life, I’ve been alone and quite comfortable existing in that space. I had friends around and even lived with my sister for a good chunk of my adult life, so I wasn’t lonely. I picked and chose the times I would spend with others and otherwise would keep to myself. I am an introvert, tried and true. But I still had pretty consistent human interactions with those I cared for. But then… my meth use became known. The events of 2018 went down and I did my tour of mental health in-patient. I gave rehab a try and discovered that sobriety doesn’t fit me well.

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I hate learning things about people who I interact with but don’t neccesarily know personally. Today, I learned one of the homeless customers has no toes. Won’t be able to think of anything else next time I see him.

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I’ve been trying to keep my mind distracted. in order to fuel some level of generation and energy flow, I’ve been using my wiki to flesh out the world of Tuesday_NeXT and some of its underlying concepts and creatures. I started out using DokuWiki a little while ago while my summer-fling was hot and heavy with MindMapping.

DokuWiki hasn’t really panned out in the personal daily use I was half-assed giving to it. Didn’t have enough to say.. That time has helped some concepts and use of wiki kinda seep into my brain. How linking pages and domains sorta makes sense but then my head just breaks.It’s a perfect match for me for creating and cultivating a fantasy world.

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I get extreme weird pleasure out of pulling facial hairs out right by the corner of my mouth. I discovered this when I first started growing a beard. The follicles have this gunk at the end of them that lets me stick the hairs to anything I please. The feeling once I’ve plucked them out is divine and only serves to drive me ritual of pulling out hairs and sticking them on things.

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Usually, I don’t like to write for myself when I’m depressed. Unless I’m being angsty and bitching about some situation, I have no desire to leave a record of my depths. This isn’t my usual depth tho. I’m back at weighing the pros and cons of continued existence. I hurt on many levels and there doesn’t seem to be any way to soothe the wounds.

Mom and Terry are almost finished building their house in Clifton. Estimated time of their departure is a little over a month from now. This is still being processed in my mind. My mother is leaving the city and is moving to a location that I have no means of reaching on my own. Our weekly dinners will become monthly ones. The house I grew up in will be sold and another portion of my past (also my version of normality) will be lost to the passage of time.

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A major lesson in my life right now, that I’m still not fully comprehending, is staying out of the way and letting things happen like they should instead of how I think they should. My time here at Family Dollar is serving multiple purposes: both monetarily and therapeutically. And I keep getting anxious and find myself slipping back to old, ungrateful, habits. Staying in bed until the very last second, counting minutes while on the clock, stealing as many breaks as possible.. All of which just serves to make myself miserable and unfocused.

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For most of my life, I have been a gamer. The SNES and Genesis¹ were huge parts of my child hood. When the N64 came out, I almost sold my soul to acquire it. Up until The Thing That Happened, I was regularly playing Overwatch with friends online and causing general mayhem wherever we went.

Then The Thing That Happened came along and I lost most platforms I previously had to game on. I also lost most of my interest in playing games, found new focus on meth and jacking off instead. I had my android phones and didn’t really see any games that intrigued me in the sea of click-bait and idle tap-tap games in he Play Store.

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